Into The Abyss

We get born, drink milk, eat cereals, study hard, make friends, get jobs, fall in love and get married. Our lives, communities, and logical minds say: “time to relax and settle”. Yet, our hearts thump in fear.

This is me right now, the me who always thought that there should be a purpose in life, and that purpose should not revolve around oneself but transcend to other beings. At the same time, that same me is hungry for adventure, love, and satisfaction. Hungry to have money and indulge himself in the “easy livin’” kind of lifestyle and achieve great things to please his ego.

What is wrong with us humans? What’s with all of these contradictions within a person’s soul that are like opposing super magnet poles, pushing each other away only to make us feel shattered?

We want to love yet we are afraid of commitment and compromise, we want to work yet we fear lack of flexibility and horrible bosses, we want to start a business yet we feel eerie about prospects of failing and getting in debt. We want to live in almost all places around the globe yet we want to be home with family and friends… Seriously, what the fuck is wrong here?

It only seems that the greed of one’s self is unbounded by tradition or religion, habit or trait, manners or rules. Even if we don’t act on most of it, it seems deeply rooted in us. Well, at least I know it’s true for me (but hey you could be bullshitting yourself - or have a golden egg).

In the prospect of making sense of our lives and progressing forward, we tend to overlook a lot of things and drop heavy packages in order to navigate further. That’s what happened to me when I decided to quit my job, jump on a plane, and land in Japan only to start school a couple of days later.

I was hungry, thirsty, and longing for many things. Only to indulge myself in (what seemed like) heaven on earth, until it wasn’t. Until it was a soul crushing, icky position to be stuck in with a desire to push through, and a heart, mind, soul and body that shouted and punched and kicked with all its power “Fuck this! Mission Abort, I repeat, MISSION ABORT”. The funny fact is that I thought I had it all, and exactly at that moment, it all went down in a spiral. I dived into the abyss in its own right.

As a man of faith I will always be thankful to the lessons learnt and upcoming struggles. I might have been torn down but I think my final reformed self is steadily coming in light. That is, of course, until another renovation is in order.

That being said, what were all these contradictions in detail? What was this weird, transforming yet shattering experience?

That’s a story for another day :)